Dread

So I said in my last post that I was going to keep a daily diary. I have been saying since it first showed up that this disease was going to be a pandemic. Because I am fascinated by plagues and society, and I have read too many books. Both fact and fiction. There are too many potentials in my head. I want to keep a linear record of what's happened and what's happening. I am also totally scared. It feels too end of days to think about, which makes me want to avoid rather than writing.

After this all first started I traveled from Colorado to Nebraska. Where I stayed 3 weeks. First in Lincoln, then in Scottsbluff/Gering. During that time more and more cases had been happening. The first cases popped up in the US. It expanded. It became more and more likely that it was going to be a full pandemic. Reports were coming out of China of creamatoriams were running day and night, Iran had mass graves visible on satellite. Everyone was getting infected. Italy shut first part, then all of the country. Many countries followed suit. Not us. But Many others.

My brother lives in Seattle, WA. I am scared for him, though he seems unconcerned. I desperately want him to be safe. While I think he thinks I am overreacting. I am scared. I want to be safe. I want my mom and Aidan to be safe. I want to live through this. I want to see my boyfriend again, and hug him. I am high risk. Low immune. Smoker. I get pneumonia/ bronchitis/ and whooping cough. I am super worried. I have food. I even have a little bit of toilet paper. Ha. I am scared. I don't know how much I can emphasize this. I think of the little old people in their car too scared to go in and get food. I get teary over these people who have survived so much and may not survive this. I imagine how I will survive losing a lot of people who i care deeply for. How do we go on. Everything will fundamentally change whether we believe it or not right now. Everything.