The little things

When you look through your life. Rifle through the drawers and reach deep into the cupboards behind you, you realize exactly how stupid you are. How small. How self absorbed and oblivious. You see all those tiny moments, those little things on the periphery of your life or your notice, and you realize those were the moments that mattered.

I think I have lived a decent life. I could have been better. Could have given more, trusted more, been more open and cherished those things and people that gave me and my life meaning. But I certainly could have been worse too. I feel like I was too selfish. Too aloof. Too afraid. Too reckless. I hurt more people than i meant to, and I regret each one.

I lived without exposure. Never baring my heart to the ravages of love or belief. Until I finally did. And found immeasurable pain as a result. But I have lived. I have seen bits and pieces of the world. Read a thousand books. Built cities in my mind and inhabited the edges of my own universe. I have loved and consoled. I have abandoned friends and been abandoned by them. I have railed against the odds that are never in my favor. I have cried for people I didn't know I needed until they were gone.